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Two and a half years after my daughter was born, the view of my body changed again through the birth of my son. Catch how my view had changed after my daughter’s birth here.
After almost a year and a half of healing emotionally and physically, I had a long talk with God about finishing the healing process. For me the last step was to allow God to show me I was capable. That He designed my body to grow, birth, and nurture a child. I agreed finally that I would get pregnant again, but only in His timing. He knew what I needed and when better than I.
The fall of 2018, right during the beginning of harvest, I confirmed with a test what I had suspected for a week. I was pregnant again. This time we took a slow approach, praying and asking for guidance every step and decision. That process led us to birth at home, a choice I came to love and see God’s foresight in later.
Labor started with my water breaking in the early morning hours. Jeremy took our daughter to daycare and went to feed cattle while I napped on the couch. I hadn’t slept much that night and knew there was hard work ahead. Around noon I checked in with Jeremy to see if he was at a place he could come home if needed. I was rested and ready to get things moving, so was going to jump start labor with oils, but only if he could come home.
He was able and I jump started. Rushes started to become noticable and more intense. I called my friend who was photographing for us and let my midwife know. Both were on their way. I was having immense back labor and needed pressure on my back through rushes. Jeremy filled the pool and I got in shortly after to relieve my back. I labored there most of the time because the water felt so good.
The afternoon passed and evening came. I lost all track of time, but noticed it was getting dark. Some time in there transition came, and I began to push. This big baby was slow to descend and as it turned out was not ideally positioned, so I was pushing a larger part than normal. I pushed for what seemed like forever. Several position changes, finally got out of the water, tried for the bed, couldn’t get up there. Tried a stool, and ended up sitting on the toilet, where he began to crown.
My midwife, bless her, patiently watched and waited, asking permission to check the baby's tones and never actually checking me. I didn’t want her to. She watched and waited for me to labor on my own terms, suggesting position changes only to try something different and see if it helped. When the baby started to have trouble at the end she knew the exact position I needed to be in, for him to come out. He was big and his shoulders were a little stuck.
He was born after an all day labor and snuggled into my chest right away. Had I been anywhere else I would have had another c-section, with the excuse of he was just too big and taking too long. Him taking so long allowed my body to stretch around him and not tear. God knew my son was going to take a long time to descend and that I needed the peace of home to be able to birth him on my own. WE DID IT!
My son’s birth left me feeling capable and confident in my body’s ability. It proved to me that God did not make a mistake in His design and knows exactly what we need. His birth left me feeling whole and in awe of my body, not the broken vision I had for two and a half years. It redeemed my daughter's birth as well and that was worth every bit of the long labor.
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I wish everyone who has had a traumatic birth experiences birth redemption. I do not wish anyone to have a traumatic birth, but unfortunately it happens all too frequently. This is part one of two in Blog posts.
What happens during a traumatic birth? It is not just physical trauma, it is emotional trauma that takes a hidden toll. This hidden emotional trauma leaves scars that no one can see. It can change the way a mother views herself, her body, her baby, her life. When this hidden trauma occurs, the outside world does not see what is happening. To them all seems well, everyone is alive. They don’t see the internal struggle and the life that is not thriving, but only surviving.
Before the birth of my daughter I had a view of a strong and capable woman. A little nervous and not knowing what to expect of birth, but confidant I could handle it. After all my mom did, why wouldn’t I be able to.
I left my daughter's birth feeling broken, robbed, and used. My confidence was shaken to the core. I didn’t recognize my own body, didn’t understand what happened or why. Everyone was so happy, my daughter and I were alive. They didn’t see the struggle to bond, the hurt that went way deeper than the scar. The confusion, trying to figure out what went wrong.
Her birth left me with a view that my body was broken. That it was unable to handle a pregnancy, or birth. I spent the next year in physical pain, burying the emotional pain and swearing I’d never go through that again. How? I would simply not get pregnant again.
Over that year, I started digging into improving my health. I was tired of the pain. I switched jobs, because I physically and mentally just couldn’t cowboy anymore. The pain continued. I finally found help for the physical pain. I was blessed with an occupational therapist who understood the effect emotions have on the body. She led me to the path of emotional healing. Once those two pieces met, the pain, both physical and emotional, finally started to heal.
For more on what I did to heal, get the course here:
https://getoiling.com/CassandraRow/landing/recovery-from-traumatic-birth
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Some of the best advice around birth I received during my second full term pregnancy. First, during birth, leave well enough alone. Second, after birth do nothing. Both of these go against modern thought processes. But are actually extremely helpful and good.
The first, Leave well enough alone. Why is this against the norm? Mostly because birth has become so medicalized, that we have come to believe that birth is risky and requires constant monitoring, just in case. The truth is this constant monitoring, interrupts the birth process and can lead to unnecessary interventions.
When birth is left to happen on baby and mom’s terms, they are allowed to follow their natural instinct, and communication between baby and mom’s body is uninterrupted. When interventions begin to be used, it disrupts this delicate balance. In the case of pitocin use, the natural feedback from baby signaling the contractions is too intense no longer exists. When left alone, if baby needs a break from the contractions, their body sends a hormonal message to mom’s brain and the contractions decrease.
Leaving well enough alone means, not disturbing or interrupting the laboring mother unless absolutely necessary. A train midwife can pick out when something is not quite right and can then ask to check whatever is concerning.
The second advice, do nothing post birth, is completely against society norms. We have developed a view that women are supposed to just bounce back to where they were before pregnancy. This ignores the fact that a woman's body has physically changed and rearranged in the previous 9 months. The 6-8 weeks postpartum a mothers organs are slowly moving back to pre-pregnancy position. Her body is also healing from the stress and tissue damage birth caused.
The complete advice was 1 week of bed and baby snuggles, except bathrooming. This allows the mother to rest, her body to heal, and bonding with the baby. Week 2 was to take place around the bed, in other words more time up, but not leaving the sacred space of the bedroom. Week 3 was around the house, but not leaving the nest.
Did I follow this exactly? No. I was still in do it myself mode. I did well the first week, but then quickly wanted to resume summer activities. I paid for it a bit in that it took my stretched and weak pelvis longer to heal than it should have. This time? I fully intend to follow that advice and rest until I feel the energy shift in my body, signaling it's time to resume activity.
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Tough question, but one most of us will face at some point. Something we loved doing must be put on hold for a time, sometimes known, sometimes unknown. Hobbies or passions are held or altered for different reasons: life circumstance, health, finances.
When this happens there usually is a process of grieving. You deny that you really have to give that hobby up and find ways to still include it. Then you have feelings of anger or frustration that you just can’t make the hobby work. You might try bargaining for time, money, health, to get just a bit more of that passion. Then you fall into a bit of a depression as you long to do what you used to love. Finally you accept that maybe one day you will be able to do your passion again.
Feeling like my passions are being taken away has happened to me recently. I am a strong willed, independent, woman. I love riding horses, and being in my gardens. With the addition of each child my time riding has decreased, but I am ok with that as I still have them and have continued to care for them. My garden has increased as our family has increased, filling much of my used to be riding time, because it is something else I enjoy and the kids can do it with me.
Late this winter however, I saw both of these hobbies start to be limited and felt them being taken away. I had started bleeding heavily during pregnancy and found I had a large subchorionic hematoma. I was put on activity and weight restrictions of 10 pounds, until the bleeding stopped. This made it impossible to feed hay to my horses, help my kids ride, or start yard prep for the garden. At first I was ok, ‘it’ll only be a couple weeks, then I can resume’ (denial). But the two weeks turned into a month and still no end in sight. In total I bled 7 weeks. Even after it was done, I was still advised to keep the lifting light and limit activity so nothing would reinjure.
I was angry. Angry there was no clear reason or answer to why. Angry I couldn’t take care of my portion of the chores, upset I was having to rely on everyone else to feed hay, get feed, pour the feed into the cans, and do the heavy lifting in the gardens.
I then went through a bit of depression as I realized all the things I might not be able to do this summer. Planting was going to be difficult, weeding, mulching. Planting the bushes was out of the question. Clean up in the wind break was on hold. My plants I started suffered, as I didn’t care for them like they needed.
Only recently have I been able to accept that I will not return to full normal activity until months after delivery. That has been helped by being surrounded by friends and family that are willing and able to step in and help, with the chores I cannot do (thank you to my husband, who does the bulk now with his own cattle chores). Friends who come out and help with the big garden days (Nicole and Andrew) and get the digging, mulching, weeding done.
Is it still hard? Yes. I want to do so much and don’t like relying on others to have to help me all the time. I have accepted that some things just won’t happen this year, but there is next year. I also know this is not forever and one day I’ll be back to full speed. But that buggy horse is sounding really good right now….
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Wanting a community to lean into? Join the FREE Courageous + Purposeful Mommas group! This community is for the Mommas, mommas to be, in the midst of raising, and kids grown, looking for tips on building your family up and providing for them through natural methods. Tips include: gardening, bulk buying, caning,/preserving, livestock, homesteading, and home remedies. Your family is precious, and this group is to help you gain the knowledge and tools to keep your family well and not reliant on outside professionals. Remedies and tips are easy and simple for the busy momma, time is precious after all, including pregnancy, birth, young kids, and illness. Trust your Momma gut again! This community offers the resources + community you need to help get started on your journey and prepare for whatever future you envision.
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Life brings us to crossroads, where we have to make hard decisions. One of those such decisions, we (my husband and I) had to make was where to give birth to our son. Our daughter's birth did not end the way either of us expected, and left me traumatized never wanting to be pregnant again. After much healing, God blessed us with another child. Now where were we going to receive care from?
We prayed a lot. I found out I was pregnant right during harvest. Wanting to do this journey and decision making together, we waited until harvest was over before we started interviewing providers. I was very much opposed to hospital birth. Just taking my daughter to the clinic for well checks raised my blood pressure and put me on edge. How was I supposed to give birth in that environment? You need to relax for birth to happen naturally!
We interviewed a couple different midwives, one independent and one in a birth center. I researched and came up with pages of questions for them, everything from what is required during visits, to what would be required during birth, to treatment if anything was declined, and their personal statistics (interventions, success rates, etc.). I also searched the internet to find background and reviews on each potential midwife before we even scheduled a consultation. Prior to the interviews we decided we would not make any decisions that day. We would take the answers home, talk about them, pray then decide where was best.
At the end of the interviews I wanted one midwife, my husband wanted the other. The birth center would provide me care, but I would have to give birth in a hospital, due to physician policy. We decided to tour where we would be giving birth. One choice was easy to tour: home. The other, we had to schedule the appointment. Unfortunately my husband could not go with me on the tour.
I prayed very specifically for a good week or more before, that God would give me clear answers. I prayed for complete peace if this was where we were supposed to be, or a complete anxiety attack if it was not. I wanted clear answers, so there was no doubt in my mind.
I made it through a good part of the tour, but as we got further and further into the labor rooms, the more anxious I got. My daughter became my focus to keep me out of a complete attack. As soon as the tour was done we b-lined it out of there as fast as I could. Trying to get a coat on a 2 year old was hard, getting across the parking garage and into the car was harder. I was quickly losing it. I got my daughter buckled in, got in myself, and locked the door. I could finally let go. I was staking so bad I could barely dial my husband and talk. I sobbed into the phone, shaking,
“I can’t do this.”
“It it OK, you tried. I wish I could come through the phone and hold you. Breath with me.”
He calmed me down and I oiled up. We had our answer very clearly. I had only had one other mild attack prior to that event. I believe that attack was solely for the purpose that I would know what it was for this decision. God is faithful.
And that was how it was determined we would give birth at home. A decision I do not regret in the slightest, as it brought about a redeeming birth.
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What is the biggest mistake in pregnancy? This is a loaded question, whose answer will change depending on who you talk to and their experiences. From my experience and research, three of the biggest mistakes come in the form of poor nutrition, medication, and mindset.
Poor nutrition is not just a calorie imbalance, it is an imbalance or deficiency in vitamins and minerals. Proper nutrition can prevent so many complications in pregnancy especially. I’ve talked quite a bit on this before, so I’ll let you check it out here, instead of me repeating myself.
Medicine. Hear me out here, do NOT stop taking a medication your doctor has prescribed without first consulting them and researching. That said, unneeded medicine, that is recommended or prescribed as a blanket policy (like a baby aspirin a day), can hide a lot of imbalances. Medications work by forcing action in the body chemically.
I have come to the conclusion that supporting the body and giving it what it needs to correct the imbalance itself. The body naturally wants to maintain homeostasis, or balance. The body is incredibly beautiful in that it can heal itself if given what it needs, soon enough. Living this way also requires more digging than just taking a pill. It requires digging down to the core problem to find the real reason for the imbalance.
Finally mindset. This is a loaded one to, and one that I will be completely up front and honest. I AM STILL WORKING ON IT. Mindset has huge affects on our overall wellbeing and health. Our mind is another fascinating topic, for another day. In pregnancy, our society has so many stereotypes that we willingly buy into: Pregnancy is supposed to be uncomfortable and birth painful. That is not necessarily so.
Your mindset on how you view pregnancy and birth, starting with something as simple as your words, can change how you view the potential challenges in pregnancy and birth. For example, take the work contraction. Sounds painful right? What about rush? Now which one makes the picture you want during birth: The contractions were intense but manageable, or the rushes were intense but manageable? Changing the word contraction to rush, makes birth less scary.
What are some other words you can change in your language that will change your mindset on pregnancy and birth?
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What is a personal routine you have? Routines change over the course of time and life. As your life changes, you have to change your routine with the new circumstances.
My routine before children was much different than it was when I am pregnant, which is different than it was with one child, or two children. Life demands that you change. You have to adapt or you break. One of my favorite lines came from a training for camp counselors: “Blessed are the Flexible for they shall not break.”
So what is one of my routines? I am going to share with you my personal supplement routine, as that one is the most consistent. First I am a terrible pill/supplement taker. If I can drink it, or apply, or eat it, I am much more likely to stick with it.
Much of my supplements come in the form of essential oils, they fall into the apply or drink category. I have selected my routine based on imbalances I tend to have in my body: My digestive and toxin elimination systems.
First, Ningxia Red. So many things to say about this one, it is loaded with vitamins and minerals and antioxidants. It is a powerhouse of nutrition in a 2 ounce drink. I like to mix mine with a little Lemon Vitality essential oil or Grapefruit Vitality essential oil, and some Lacroix for an afternoon ‘soda’. Both my kids beg for this drink as well.
At night, I apply Digize essential oil over my intestines. Why? Because I tend to swing from constipation to diarrhea very quickly, even when I am eating clean and avoiding my food sensitivities. Digize helps to keep my system regular and my colon eliminating the build up. I also apply Endoflex essential oil over my liver at night. Why? Endoflex helps to support liver function (your primary detoxer) and hormone balance.
Remember when I said I had imbalances in my toxin removal/digestive systems? If the colon is not removing the toxins from the body (ie. pooping), those toxins your liver worked so hard to get rid of are reabsorbed. This is why I focus on supporting both of these systems as they work so closely together.
Also in my nightly lineup is Progessence Plus. This is a serum that helps to boost progesterone levels in the body. It comes from wild yam extract. This is one that I stop using in the second trimester of pregnancy. Why? By then the placenta is producing enough progesterone an additional progesterone boost is not usually needed.
As far as actual supplements (pill form)? I regularly (not usually every day, as I forget) is Super B, to boost my vitamin B levels. Essentialzyme, to help break down and digest food. Dr. Berg’s Gallbladder formula, because I don’t have a gallbladder which greatly affects my ability to digest some foods and break down potential allergies.
Others that I use regularly? Harmony essential oil. Not really sure how this one works honestly, but I have found if I apply it over my uterus my mood stays so much more balanced over the day. Clary Sage/ Lady Sclareol/ Sclaressence essential oils. These I use only during certain times in my cycle, when I tend to be a little dry and need an estrogen boost to get in the mood. Caution! Use extreme caution with these three when you are pregnant. All three of these are estrogen booster, which can bring on labor if your body is close.
Tell me about your routine! Have questions? Ask me!
Wanting a community to lean into? Join the FREE Courageous + Purposeful Mommas group! This community is for the Mommas, mommas to be, in the midst of raising, and kids grown, looking for tips on building your family up and providing for them through natural methods. Tips include: gardening, bulk buying, caning,/preserving, livestock, homesteading, and home remedies. Your family is precious, and this group is to help you gain the knowledge and tools to keep your family well and not reliant on outside professionals. Remedies and tips are easy and simple for the busy momma, time is precious after all, including pregnancy, birth, young kids, and illness. Trust your Momma gut again! This community offers the resources + community you need to help get started on your journey and prepare for whatever future you envision.
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Overcoming fear is hard, but it is even harder when there is a traumatic experience involved. When that trauma is from an experience that is supposed to be a joyful experience, like birth? How do you even start? Where do you turn? Who do you even talk to?
Birth trauma is not just physical trauma that happens to baby or momma, it can also be emotional or psychological. With my daughter, people just didn’t get it. In their eyes, from the outside, the doctors acted and saved both my daughter and myself from potential death. So, why was I so irritated, fearful, adamant that I was never getting pregnant again? What they didn’t see or understand was the complete lack of control or say about anything that happened to me or my baby when I checked into the hospital.
Birth is supposed to be an intimate event, with mom participating, but when all say is taken away mom and sometimes dad is left as a spectator. When those events turn into an unexpected or consented surgery, it can leave deep emotional and physical scars. How are you supposed to begin to process and recover from that? How do you conquer the fear of future births?
One step at a time. I did not realize how much of an issue I had until I was almost a year postpartum, still in physical pain and emotional avoidance. I found an OT specializing in C-section pelvic care, and started the physical work that led to uncovering the emotional scars that also needed healed. I journaled, I read books on emotional trauma, and I used essential oils. Slowly I learned to heal my body from the inside out, with food and mindset.
In birth, you cannot overcome the fear of a future birth, without dealing with the past trauma. A wise midwife told me as I was healing, if you don’t deal with the emotions around the birth as they come to surface, they will come back up during your next birth and will affect it. So I learned to tune in and listen to my own body. Working through the emotions as they came up, and releasing them. Your body holds emotions in the cells if they are buried.
Overcoming the fear of birth itself is the final step. For me the only way to finish healing, was to become pregnant and give birth again. This time however, I walked each step consulting and trusting God for His guidance. I surrounded myself with people who were loving and supportive for birth. People who had confidence that my body could birth my baby naturally. I interviewed providers, prayed about them and found the one that matched. Prepared myself for birth by reading books on birth and the birth process. I made a loose plan. Honestly after my first plan completely fell apart, I was hesitant to make any plan for fear it would also fall apart. But I knew what I wanted and needed, my midwife and I had conversations on those desires.
Ultimately the time for my son’s birth came. Labor started slow and easy, but gained intensity and my son was born at home, surrounded by love and support. It was truly a redemptive experience, and God showed me once again His sovereignty, love and grace.
For more on healing from birth trauma follow the link to my course
https://getoiling.com/CassandraRow/landing/recovery-from-traumatic-birth
Wanting a community to lean into? Join the FREE Courageous + Purposeful Mommas group! This community is for the Mommas, mommas to be, in the midst of raising, and kids grown, looking for tips on building your family up and providing for them through natural methods. Tips include: gardening, bulk buying, caning,/preserving, livestock, homesteading, and home remedies. Your family is precious, and this group is to help you gain the knowledge and tools to keep your family well and not reliant on outside professionals. Remedies and tips are easy and simple for the busy momma, time is precious after all, including pregnancy, birth, young kids, and illness. Trust your Momma gut again! This community offers the resources + community you need to help get started on your journey and prepare for whatever future you envision.
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